Reading can be hazardous to my health

Happy November.
I have finally been forced to entertain the idea that reading is dangerous. Not as in it's gonna kill me but in the it's gonna drive me crazy kind of dangerous. You may be wondering what kind of reading I'm talking about. It's not the big expensive Christmas wishlist catalogs I'm talking about, it's not even my reading that's the problem. #1 has taken to reading everything she can. It doesn't matter what it is, she reads it to me and if she can't figure out the word she spells it to me. Right, I know, that's great- she is really trying hard to read and expand her knowledge. Welllllll, we all know a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, right. Well so is a little reading. Especially when the conversation runs something like this-
#1 "Mom, how fast are you going?"
Mom "47"
#1 "The sign said the speed limit is 45. You're speeding!"
Mom (thinking I'll change the focus to something safer- like math) "How many miles per hour over the speed limit am I?" (Dumb move, Mom)
#1 " Mooooom, the speed limit is 45, it doesn't matter how many miles over the limit you are, the police officer is going to arrest you."
Mom "huh- what police officer?"
#1 "Can I have your cell phone?"
Mom "No, why?"
#1 "So I can call the police and tell them you are speeding."
Mom "Not gonna happen. I'm doing 45 now so you can relax."
#1 "Can you hurry, I hafta go to the bathroom."

It's a no win situation sometimes. The good twin said "sure honey, I'll speed right home so you can pee." The bad twin said "the speed limit is 45." I'm pretty sure that the internal argument over how to respond is leading me closer to a nervous breakdown. I find that remaining silent after this type of discussion is the best choice. Nobody gets their feelings hurt and nobody learns any words they don't need to use at a later date. I find it's usually easier to drive with #2 that #1, he doesn't feel the need to interject pithy commentaries in the middle of a song I love and haven't heard in a million years. On the other hand since #2 doesn't talk- ever, it does get boring sometimes to drive with him. Unless you count odd noises from the back seat. Try checking on odd noises at 55 on the thruway. Usually I just take for granted he is being himself and having a strange noise interlude. The rear view mirror is not helpful, by the time you get it adjusted to see what he is doing he's quiet and gazing happily out the window. By the time I get it back to seeing the truck behind me he's making odd noises again. I think children realize the amazing power they have when they are in the car and abuse it.

I love the fact that #1 is really off and running (amok) with this whole reading thing. I love to read and actually will read anything put in front of me, which explains why I know so much about the kids cereal. I have no recollection of being like this as a child.
"What does no turn on red mean, Mommy?"
"It means you can't make a right turn when the light is red."
"Can you turn left?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Can we talk about this when we get home and I can explain about the flow of traffic and crossing lanes of traffic, oh nuts- that was our turn."
"Why did you go by our turn?"
"I was talking and not thinking."
"Can't you think and talk at the same time?"
"Yes, but I can't seem to think, talk and drive all at the same time."
Oh the things we say when we are doing other things. Or worse the things I've almost said while doing other things-
"Mommy, Can I live at home with you forever?"
"NO!!!!!" narrowly caught before falling out of my mouth.

Lets look at some of the conversational cliff hangers. We all know the way kids ask questions that have a good answer, a better answer and a please don't let me say that one answer. Shall we visit a few of my favorites and review the good, better and bite your tongue answers?
#1 "Why did you want kids?"
good- "Daddy and I thought the Grandmas deserved some grandchildren."
better- "Daddy and I wanted a little girl just like you."
Bite your tongue- "Jack Daniels made it seem like a swell idea."
#2 "Where did I come from?"
good- "The hospital."
Better- "Mommy's belly."
bite your tongue- "Mars."
#3"Is math hard?"
good- "No."
Better- "I'll always help you learn math."
Bite your tongue- "Yes."
#4"Will my goldfish go to heaven?"
Good- "I'm sure your goldfish is happy where ever they go."
Better- "I'm sure your goldfish is in goldfish heaven right now."
Bite your tongue- "No, it went to the septic tank."

Why is it that the bite your tongue answer is usually the first one you think of? Am I the only one in the universe who has these good mommy/bad mommy moments where I have to actually weigh my answers against how it could be repeated back in public?

I've come up with a new plan to annoy telemarketers. I give the phone to #1 and let her get some phone manners practice. She's quite polite but really getting indignant that they keep hanging up on her. How rude can they be? Hey, you call my house during the dinner hour and you can expect to talk to whomever I hand the phone to- including the dog, who is NOT much of a conversationalist but he sure can do loud breathing. They should be thankful I don't put them on speaker so they can hear all the commotion and strange questions. "Mommy, why do they call during dinner?" "Because they figure we're home to be annoyed." "What's for dinner?" "I don't remember what I made but grab some while it's hot." "Hey #2, sit on the chair, not the table. #1 use a fork. #2 eat off your own plate." Dinner here does have a twilight zone quality to it most nights. Then they all go to their own little areas after dinner and I can almost believe I'm alone in the house for 3.5 minutes until the next drama begins something like this.... "mom, he's touching/stealing/looking at something of mine." And we are off for more fun.